To the law office of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe:

Our legal department here at Acme Inc received your notice notifying of your intent to sue on behalf of Wile E Coyote. Consider this our response letter and our legal response on behalf of our client.

The DVD you provided of evidence of the failures of several of our products has been well revied by both this office and the corporate board. After those viewings, we can only conclude that your client is an idiot and his legal representation is made of idiots as well.

The video evidence does not demonstrate product failures on our part, but instead prove that all failures of our products used by Mr Coyote are clearly the result of his failure to adhere to posted cautions and warnings, his failure to follow directions, and his failure to use proper personal safety equipment. In every case, our products worked as advertised and the failures are due to his improper usage rather than product failures.

For example, the earthquake pills were clearly marked with a caution notifying the product has no effect on roadrunners. Another example is his repeated voluntary ordering and reordering of our anvils, which are demonstrated every time to be in compliance with laws of gravity. And a final example is his failure to follow the directions in our manual on “how to catch a roadrunner” which clearly stated to “dig a hole” not “jackhammer a hole”.

Therefore, we have no legal recourse but to state our intent to countersue for defamation should this lawsuit go forward.

Your move.

Ira Fleecem
Attorney at Law
Acme Inc

Due to recent events and the current trend of dismantling anything that might serve as a reminder or a monument to slavery, racism, or human exploitation, the UN, NATO, and a coalition of world leaders all agree that it is in everyone’s best interest that any monument, statue, building, or technology utilizing, benefiting, or developing  from slave labor or any other form of human exploitation will henceforth be discontinued or dismantled as applicable or appropriate.

To demonstrate a leadership role and serve as an example, the World Health Organization, the Centers for Disease Control, and Doctors Without Borders have volunteered to be the first profession to eliminate itself under the new system of justice. The American Bar Association has announced that after it completes the oversight process to ensure compliance with the international project, it would be the final professional organization to dismantle.

In a rare show of support, Saudi Arabia has agreed to dismantle Mecca, Egypt has begun to dismantle the pyramids, and the United States Congress has begun to dismantle their office buildings. Silicon Valley, U.S manufacturers, and internet service providers all announced plans to discontinue any and all of their services by the end of the current year.

The consortium of international humorists, satirists, and comedians issued a statement that reads, “we’ve got nothing. We couldn’t even begin to compete with this proposal”.

The international coalition has announced that cave assignments and hunter/gather training courses will begin August 1., with the expectation of the entire program being completed by July 4, 2021. UN spokesperson Barack Obama was quoted as saying, “The Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice, ‘We’ll try better next time!'”

As I watch the protests coming out of Minneapolis and other places, as a resident of St Louis, it does remind me of Ferguson.

A few things that need to be kept in mind as we watch this all play out on our tvs, computers, and cell phones …

Not all members of any profession are all heroes nor are all members of any profession bad actors. Not every cop is a corrupt thug. Not every member of the military deserves to be seen as a hero. When we pretend otherwise, we do a disservice to everyone who has the misfortune of dealing with some of our worst societal actors and a disservice to those members of society who make sacrifices on behalf of the rest of us.

Likewise, not every protestor is part of the criminal element of society just looking for an opportunity to destroy and loot. Most, yes I said MOST, protestors are responsible citizens who have a valid complaint that need to be heard. Too many people are dying at the hands of bad cops. Minorities are disproportionately affected by these thugs with badges. And yet, my news feeds are filled with stories of veterans, grandmothers, children, and others who have lost their lives because a cop, or group of cops, did not do their job correctly.

For the protestors, your voices are being heard loudly and society at large is getting fed up with these bad actors being protected. In St Louis county, we went to the polls and voted in Bob McCulloch’s opponent after we saw him fail to do his job and hold corrupt cops accountable. That being said, you lose allies when you allow protests and marches to turn into violent mobs that destroy parts of our neighborhoods and loot. Those of us who support your message are often forced to distance ourselves from your violence. As I said above, not all protestors are bad, but the protestors need to step up and help hold the criminal elements responsible or your message is lost.

Above all, remember that the modern press is no one’s ally. I’ve taken journalism classes and worked in student journalism, the actions by the press that I see on my tv and computer are not the journalism standard I was taught. The press should never be the story or part of the story. And yet, daily the press makes more news than the rest of society’s actors do.

We all share common enemies in the stories of these current events: criminals with badges, criminals hiding behind protest signs, and news reporters willing to create a story to sell newspapers and news broadcasts. Let’s all work together and hold all of these bad actors accountable.

Clipart stolen from Clipartmax.