Future Mascots for Professional Sports Teams


This piece was submitted to a veteran-oriented writing publication in 2018. It didn’t place.


After many years of debate and discussions about the offensive mascots for some professional sports teams, Major League Baseball, the NFL, the NBA, and the NHL joined together in a joint press conference to announce an effort to eliminate any and all potentially offensive mascots.  The first move by each league immediately tagged Native American-themed teams for changes.

After that swift move, the leagues began internal discussions about how to not offend fan bases and discovered that many more teams required renaming. 

Because of objections rumored to come from Islamic communities, all mascots featuring crusaders, knights, and templars are now flagged for new names.  Additionally, victims of and the descendants of victims of vikings, pirates, and other barbaric tribes have expressed concerns about teams following those naming schemes, all of which are now identified for redesignation.

Allergy sufferers voice questions about bees, yellow jackets, and vegetation-based names causing the leagues to point at those for mascot changes as well.  PETA and other animal rights activists suggested that animal mascots were giving the public an unhealthy fear of those animals as well and those should be eliminated as well, which the leagues also agreed to out of fears of violence. 

Military themed names were found to be objectionable by peace activists and patriot labeled teams made convicted traitors Manning and Bergdahl nervous and require relabeling.

Colorblind activists found color-based mascots offensive to those who are unable to view the color spectrum.

Monsters, aliens, and mythological and cryptozoological creatures were deemed by pseudoscientists to be potentially offensive as well.  The alpha centaurians and sasquatch also voiced objections, so those names are right out.

Mascots based on state and regional names are also identified for relabeling initiatives due to objections voiced by residents of Colorado who insisted that the failures of teams from Denver should not be used to degrade the rest of Colorado residents.

In a joint statement at the end of their press conference, Major League Baseball, the NFL, the NBA, and the NHL have announced that all professional sports teams shall be identified solely by the city in which they play in and the sport they participate.  For example, the St Louis Cardinals and St Louis Blues will now be identified as St Louis Baseball and St Louis Hockey, respectively. 

The leagues expect this new naming scheme to remain in place for a full two to six weeks or so before additional unexpected objections emerge and require the whole plan to be scrapped.

Clipart stolen from Clipartmax.

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